TOMORROW NIGHT CAN I HOLD YOU LIKE A BABY
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
We have bigger issues at hand... Does anybody know someone in the kalamazoo area that is missing a pair of stilts ?
Just make it a game! Like 20 questions STD style.
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
His 12 year old sister has bigger boobs than me and now that's all I can think about when we have sex
Lol I wish they went straight to your cock then shot out into my mouth like a cock nacho dispenser
She thought I was dancing but I just couldn't catch my balance for 11 blocks.
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
What are u up to today?
Marathon sex and eating.
Randomize
