Capitaan dildo arrescate!
Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
Dude!! Mom just asked me why you have 'boobies' hahaha
I hate my life
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
Hint of advice dont get with minor league baseball players, you can google their stats but not their stds.
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
The number of times I have seen your cock and the number of times I have wanted to see your cock are different!
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
I'm extremely upset that I wasted my "having sex with a guy at work" card on him
I'm floating on a rainbow and a purple elf is giving me advice. COME NOW!!!
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