I will be home in 10 min. Dont be beating off on the couch
enter at your own risk
his blackberry tasks were 1. take names and 2. kick ass
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
Pregnant only lasts nine months, being hot takes way longer to go away. So yes, I will continue to hit on the hot pregnant girl.
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
I definitely did a line of something I don't know with a Pagan biker. I make good decisions.
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
I think I'm so comfortable in my sexual relationship because he mostly wants to see me naked with large plates of bacon tastefully placed upon my body
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
Two of my dealers just made friends at this party. Do you think one will be pissed if I buy from the other or should I just go 50/50?
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
You had a good week dude, you bought a motorcycle and a beer bong with ur parents money, missed 2 classes, and ran from security twice, good first 2 days to college
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
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