the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
WTF YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND?
Oh yeah that.
i DID NOT walk around with my knees bent and my hands behind my back with long spandex and underarmour pretending to be Apollo Ono
i recognized the place by the puke stain i left on the pool table when i hooked up with his roommate.
The only ground rules are no one is allowed to come who will say "no, that's a bad idea" or "what if we get arrested?"
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
Still drunk just puked in the meat cooler tried to clean it up with ham. Its not working
And some old guy told me Jesus loves me and I laughed super hard and told him sinning is fun. Hahaha
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
The exact people you expect to find at a bar at 2pm are here. Come visit. We'd really like the company.
You threw up a gallon of vomit. I really have never seen anything like it in my decade of partying.
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
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