can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
When he was fingering me, it felt/looked like he was digging around for pocket change.
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
its fine. mom just made me chug a long island. and made a crying face when i balked. we'll talk tomorrow.
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
He kissed my hand AND my forehead. I don't think this virginity business is for heartless whores like us.
Idk. The last coherent text said something about $25 & dimes. And then...it's just letters...
I feel like it went downhill once I decided we should take $100 tequila shots.. oops lol
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
So apparently having sex with your co-worker in the bathroom at the staff party can get you fired.
That went from 0 to lesbian orgy much faster than expected...
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
Randomize
