I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
What I dont get about To Catch a Predator is who the fuck still uses chat rooms?
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
hes a good boy he deserves a good blow
i feel like the wall was a canvas for his penis.
Ok I have to ask, whose idea was it to used crushed up norcos as margarita salt? And what did they say to convince everybody else to think it was a good idea?
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
Puke, feathers, beads, and solo cups all on my way to class. I'm surprised anyone's alive after this weekend.
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
I'm now consulting a magic eight ball on all major life decisions. On another note I think I have chlamydia.
I touched a dick in church today
Randomize
