How long do you think herpes can live on chapstick?
Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
So we were sitting in his back seat and he asked me if I practiced giving head. I mean really, who asks that?
So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
It got a little outta hand when you wanted to do body shots on the table.. at Dennys.. at 4 AM.. with lemonade
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
I'm missing some hair, but it's cool. Breadsticks are done.
It was either the harsh truths I was divulging or the liquor..... But either way, I made mom puke
This guy on the bus keeps leaning over and sniffing my hair.
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
The last thing I remember is goading each other into a vodka-chugging competition.
Randomize
