I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
im pretty sure one of the guys i was dancing with at graffiti wrote on my back "you rock". now feel like a danced with a 5 year old.
blow job with a beer in the shower, I just created the ultimate day spa for dudes
im not picky. i just want someone whod go down on me while im writing my psych midterm paper. thats not a lot to ask.
they named it eva bongoria. i had to hit it based on the name alone.
i think that dennys waitress has my boxers
I miss eating meals at a table and having unprotected sex..
You kept yelling in my face " YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO SUCK A DICK TONIGHT!"
I was so drugged up it was amazing, I felt like a dinosaur "because I enjoyed spinach, and I got apple juice and only dinosaurs get apple juice" according to me the day of, and last night I felt like a rocket ship
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
Randomize
