Its not alright that i make out with a manican.
At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
You merely adopted the alcohol. I was born into it. Molded by it. I didn't see the hang over until I was a man and by then it was only blinding.
I feel like if he almost got me pregnant once, i can at least say hi in a bar
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
At least you got some excitement going on, you got weed and might die tonight, I'm just sitting here bored as fuck.
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
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