dude, you're never picky with who you hook up with, have a little dignity
nah man, chicks are like pokemon, gotta catch \'em all
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
sarcasm needs its own font
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
i should probably find things i have in common with someone besides drinking, before having sex with them
Remember the time we were horrifically hung over, went to mcdonalds, an you merely felt the weight of the mcnuggets box and knew there was an extra?
like it was yesterday
other than her wanting kids and me wanting to do drugs,were perfect for each other
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
When I ask you to make sure no ones coming while I'm changing.. The logical friend would keep watch. But you my, best friend come stand in front of me and flash everybody.
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
I'm going to try and loofah my hangover away.
Update: It didn't work
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
If everything else in my life fails, at least I just had one of my top orgasms
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
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