So the bouncer told me I could leave the easy way or the hard way. I told him I was going to make him earn his 10 bucks that hour.
Apparently you chose the latter.
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
don't you miss freshman year when you could get away with "but i've never given a bj before..."
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
50 year old business women like dick too. Come on she said you looked like Ricky Martin.
Drinking down Plan B with a 5 hour energy. Winding down welcome week in style.
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
Please brint me miilk. I am on the floor but my door is open. Thank you, i appreciate u verry much.
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
We need to get walkie talkies for when we're drunk so if we are at different parties or lost we can talk
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
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