walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
i think the next time he gets me off i'm going to scream bangarang
ru fi oooo
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
It's like I'm in a vicious cycle of noncommittal penis.
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
I can't leave your house without my underwear spending the night.
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
We're eating jello shots in the library. I love the day after Valentine's
Do u have any idea how hard it is to masturbate in a CVS bathroom when your name is being called over the speakers to pick up a prescription for painkillers?
well, unfortunately the rug burn lasted longer than the actual relationship
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
Randomize
