Who said anything about talking that was a booty call
Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
Why does Corona taste like a burp?
You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
i woke up this morning and saw her in my bed and i said to myself, I think I might have a drinking problem.
You can glorify being single all you want but relationships are awesome. I haven't gone more than 24 hours without sex since June.
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
Sometimes i think i need to stop drinking because i can't afford losing so many panties anymore
I wouldn't have found her if it wasn't for the vomit trail leading into my brother's room.
I have had flashes of 69ing, a strawberry flavored condom and begging him to sleep naked.
Randomize
