I'm not being over dramatic, but I think my heart is going to stop beating.
he found cum stains on my sheets and all i could blurt out was "better on the sheets than in me"
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
But once you explained how to fill cupcakes with semen I realize you were harmless and right on my level.
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
Drink water, eat food, and stop tazing yourself
if I dont text you back in 10min assume i am in fact still dizzy and injured myself in the shower. and call an ambulance. thanx.
I just lived through a real life episode of jersey shore.
Randomize
