the the hell do you 'accidentaily" jizz on a shirt thats folded in a drawer?
i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
He told me he had an exgf. and didnt follow up with"and now i like guys."
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
Got a personal ride from safe ride. I was crying so hard. The driver said think of something happy and I said Disney. In which I sang him Aladdin. So I got home ok
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
i think he spiked my sandwich with a viagra
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
you should probably know that there's a naked dude in your window
i wouldn't normally say anything but you seem to not be there
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
I got inside last night via doggy door
I hurt myself, but I'm pretty sure I saved the carpet.
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
Randomize
