we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
I just realized that I've become that person they make the alcohol warnings on medicine for.
dude last night I threw my weed into my back yard. there is now a foot of snow. after an hour I found my weed. if I put that effort into school, i'd have a 4.0.
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
Even though he was watching you pee on his bedroom floor, you kept denying it and saying he was dreaming
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
I worked hard to give you that boner. No one else should get to enjoy it!
Let me begin to explain the rest of last night by beginning with saying that out if necessity I took a pair of your underwear
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
There is nothing worse then the feeling after you've held in farts all night..
What's his name?
I have a 8 minute video of a fish tank on my phone.
We need to stop going to pet stores high.
ok so i took my anxiety medication and i'm eating junior mints and i think my vagina will be ok
just wanted to eat pizza off his dick so he let me and he can never forget it
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