There's a woman here that looks like a cross between Michael Jackson and Flipper.
Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
at FSU your more likely to get an STD than a parking spot
Isn't the perk of being in a relationship not having to put in effort for sex?
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
Next time we're there I want drunk pics of us trying to ride the stone lions downtown. Don't even attempt to fight me on this.
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
Btw, just wanna point out that you've hooked up with two guys whose birthdays are today. Congratulations, you have a type!
You asked her to play "the coma game" with you while hooking up, and then passed out in her bed. She couldn't wake you up so she slept on the floor.
Looks like I won that one
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
The Australian strangers convinced me to leave him behind when they started chanting Aussie Aussie Aussie, Oy Oy Oy, and told me they had a bunch of beer at their place.
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
I just had 3 numbers I don't know text me and remind me I am to attend AA on monday. Im gonna say it was a good night.
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she cant stop having the shits.
Randomize
