Pants 0. Shit 1.
So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
In The Air Tonight was playing in the dentist's office. Had to stop the cleaner to do the drums.
We've been fucking since Friday.... This is the most committed non-committed relationship I've ever been in
I watched her choke out a bouncer with the broken strap from her purse, I think shes the one.
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
I petted my head, told my hair it felt beautiful and needed to be let free. Then pulled out my pony tail. Cheers to weed. I lose.
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
Can't you just imagine you've grudge fucked me so we can get past this?
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
My fuck buddy just proposed... Correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't that completely defeat the purpose of FRIENDS with benefits?
Now you can be friends with Insurance Benefits.
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
I need to show you how I feel about you by fucking you repeatedly.
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
Randomize
