he fucked me so hard my future children felt it
Come on, video tape it. Take one for the team
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
It's like there testing me. My dad kept handing me margaritas and saying "you can take it"
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
third nipple confirmed
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
Just don't do anything stupid
i did a stupid sorry
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
when ur drunk laser tag is all fun n games. try it high and all of the aliens in the galaxy want you dead.
Randomize
