Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
You know if a vagina was a face, it'd be ugly as hell...
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
her body is proportioned like a family guy character
My vagina is depressed thinking about her future.
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
in the middle of fucking he asked me if i had gotten a haircut because he noticed i didnt have split ends anymore. i dont know what to think
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
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