Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
My sister was crawling her way home and kept asking us to carry her,then she insisted on grabbing at our ankles til she passed out, how was your night?
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
btw im having a "its finally warm enough for a bbq in Toronto" party tonight. bring all the alcohol you have. and hamburger buns.
When he opened the car door the whole thing fell off. Even that can be forgiven via his monster cock.
You drunk? Cause I have a terrible idea...
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
I need to get some goddam control over my hormones
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
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