I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
if you google earth my address you can see me getting out of my car. finally my moment of being famous
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
All I remember was endless tequila and pulling karate moves from 3 Ninjas Kick Back towards the guy at 7 Eleven. Explanation?
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
do you ever feel so high you're swimming backstroke and then you realize you're still laying in bed on tumblr
You were literally hanging out the window and dancing to the remix to Ignition when we drove you home
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
I just remembered I casually gave you a tour of the house after we boned...lol
Randomize
