you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
definition of desperate: He gave me his SC drivers license so i wouldn't forget to facebook him.
you think she would figure it out that ever dude that fucks her is just doing it bc they are in a contest to bang the fattest girl
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
Btw, whenever you feel discouraged about your life, think about me being frantically upset bc my mobile porn site limited me to only 5 videos a day
Ok, Jen and I are going out tonight and getting rowdy. I think you and Steph need to come. I understand if you can't, but not going out means you're automatically obligated to post bail. If necessary.
No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut.
No more jager for that guy. He jacked the neighbor kids big wheel, rode around making jet noises, then passed out behind the wheel and rolled it and broke his wrist
Young lesbians are the worst. And also what got me through high school, sooooo
But I mean how many guys can say they get blow jobs and grilled cheese with football
He finally delivered on the dick pic, and Jesus Christ, it was worth the wait.
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
Brother gave me a harry potter philosophy book for xmas we need to get stoned and talk about this.
can you bring the lube to algebra tomorrow
Randomize
