break up sex still means we will always be broken up.
my night went downhill once I lost my bikershorts. EAWSSSSYY ACCESS
What do you want? Don't say anything that would make me look like a pussy at the store.
just had dinner with my dad's new gf and her daughter.. had to drink a beer to get through it.. she's 19 she has on a disney watch and snowflake earrings
How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
Our sex bag has now been upgraded to sex luggage, with wheels, and now features a first aid kit. Game. On.
I was so drugged up it was amazing, I felt like a dinosaur "because I enjoyed spinach, and I got apple juice and only dinosaurs get apple juice" according to me the day of, and last night I felt like a rocket ship
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
I AM A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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