Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
I really wish I didn't have to wear pants this is ridiculous
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
Hey on the reals though tomorrow if i take you out to lunch as just a friend will you also suck my cock as just a friend?
You are literally throwing a tangerine right now. Beer pong is not played this way
I knocked myself out momentarily last night when I fell and hit my head off of my jewelry box while trying to take his pants off... while he was passed out.
The black hole just entered the party man, I can literally see guys starting to move towards her.
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
I haven't even had my coffee yet and you're being slutastic
the only things my left hand does: catch/hold things and masturbation.
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
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