It was kinda bitchy last night when i brought up my pregnancy scare and you said "shotty playing with it"
we've progressed from teabagging to lighting eachothers asses on fire. this cannot be a good path.
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
The last thing I remember is pushing my way into the bathroom and dumping a 40 on him. We havent talked since.
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
We're both on the slippery slope toward middle age...and really shame riddled bar experiences
I guess she fell asleep at the strip club and the other one was crying because she had a vagina in her face. Happy 21st!
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
Just found out the last guy I hooked up with is being held in a federal prison under suspicion of stealing 175k.
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
Randomize
