if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
the vast amounts of cleavage i'm sporting to my final says "no, I didn't study but don't worry I've got something lined up for when I don't graduate".
You can come over, sure. But I'll be watching college hockey during the blow job.
I pretty much threw up on him while he slept, I had one task today which was to wash the sheets that I threw up on and I turned them pink. I would leave me if I could
Seriously, dude... You knows its bad when you gag on her nipple.
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
just woke up in a camero on the way to nebraska, i would appreciate it if you answered your phone.
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
Actually, lets be honest. I will probably keep calling him the pastor because it brings me joy using pastor and fuck buddy in the same sentence.
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
so the casino kicked my ass last night, i'm pretty sure i hit a new level of hungover....just showered with my sunglasses on because the bathroom light is too bright
I think I'll shower sitting down. That seems safe.
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
Randomize
