Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
me and this guy in my office just exchanged an "i saw you at a drag show last night" look as he passed by my desk.
he aplogized for the shitty sex and called me "ma'am" when he did it. And he wants redemption sex. Gah I love southern gentlemen.
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
Drunk wheelbarrow races might make the top 10 list of dumb shit weve done. Especially considering all the broken glass around...
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
But please don't judge me if i smell like mustard
There were penises being pulled out everywhere.
I just finished packing for spring break, took me 4 minutes. To be fair though I only put my trunks, a pair of underwear, and 50 condoms in my bag.
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
We were supposed fuck one time, but ended up fucking for 2 years.
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
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