I want the hot one, scratch that. anyone.
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.
So i know you wont get this until you land, but if i'm late its cause i was having sex. being blunt and hope that explains things.
I feel like someone kicked me repeatedly in the ribs. I don't think sex is supposed to do that.
I have a friend that keeps saying he wants to go bear hunting. Thought I would say just walk down church street at night. What intersection is it?
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
Also, two points for knowing me well enough to know I definitely would put the moves on his brother.
not only did I call my ex crying but drunk me also deleted the phone log so I had no warning when I saw him in class
Randomize
