someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
How long is a courtesy make out supposed to last??
It's ok I'm watering my plants with a 40 in my camelback, people are staring
Remember...the emancipation proclimation is your favorite document, you love asian women, japanese food is the tits, and you willfully employ as many latinos as possible...
That's the kind of break up sex that keeps couples together. Damn.
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
I got high with the cantor. Rethinking this whole non-practicing Jew thing.
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
Why do my weekends always degenerate into using my little brothers childrens board games for drinking games?
I may or may not have just had sex in the bed of a pick-up at a drive-in movie theater.
Randomize
