i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
You tried to luge a beer down a flip flop.
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
Puuuub goooolf. Being trashed at 830 never felt so right
Dude what hole are you on?....and its 9:15
hole5. 2 under par. irish nachos
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
If by "Are you high?" u mean "Did you just pass out at Genghis Grill walking to your table and falceplant?" the answer is yes.
When do you want to get tanked and forget our entire college education?
I woke up in a toga after going to a Hawaiian party. I don't even know.
A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
I'm getting 800 nuggets from McDonald's
Well I got black out drunk before the rehearsal dinner and berated my family with insults. But other then that it was a good time
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