i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
Max was wondering if he could trade you sex for the use of your jumper cables
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
That's terrible. At least give it a creative name like muff mobile.
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
If I end up in a healthy relationship because of this, I will NEVER forgive you!!!
Just to let you know... If you ever want to get me a gift, the One Direction perfume comes out soon....... It's called Our Moment. It's an appropriate gift for a 25 year old woman.
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
Had a one night stand and didnt remember the guys name until he started sending me poems in the mail.
our moms work together...I can just see the conversation now, hey your daughter ruined my sons marriage, that's probably how it will start.
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
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