We are lost. Everyone is drunk and it all went downhill after we iced the bus driver.
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
You made out with a guy who refers to his cock as "rafiki." Are you proud of yourself?
Why can't it ever be the normal ones that stalk me?
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
I seriously think the toilet is the cleanest thing in their house. At least if I have to worry its not about that.
blowjobs from left handed girls are noticably better than from righties. these are the most important things I've learned this semester
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
I puked and rallied in front of a cop...and then waved at him....
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
No you just wanted to pass out in your hallway because your room was too far away
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
Randomize