Were we dating when my roommates and I had the 'everyone gets laid' part?
Ya
I used to kick so much ass
My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
so when she was in the shower, I took a pic of my dick with her phone and sent it to her brother saying, this just fucked your sister
Nah you can have him. There's too many men in my life right now. I can't handle another dick.
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
She fell asleep with me.... We found her pantsless in the dogbed in the morning... Russian foreign exchange students
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
He put a canoe in the lazy river at the water and started paddling away from security
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
I'm so glad I was blacked out while I was going all exorcist in the bathroom. That's so not a memory I want.
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
We were 69ing, but at an angle so we could both still watch Wall-E
You were staring right at you dick at the urinals, then looked at all the other guys dicks and fist pumped saying "I win!"
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
Randomize
