dude you need to get laid
me?
no, the other guy who hasn't been laid in 7 months
oh I thought you were talkin about me
wait
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
I smell like fire and strippers. Successful sunday funday.
We have started to decorate penises.
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
I have someone saved in my phone as "This Hoe Ain'tit' Loyal" and I'm missing my superman boxers. Explain.
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
Here's an unsolicited pic of my tits, because you almost died last night.
Ok so I'm not gonna ignore the fact that you had sex on a frat basement floor and spent the last 4 years wondering how you got HPV
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
Randomize
