Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
Then you started asking people on the drunk bus if they knew the word "gumption". if they didn't you told them they weren't taking advantage of their high education opportunities and you were disappointed in them.
I owe you a thank you for last night. Only you could go up to a guy, ask if he likes my boobs, and return later to find us in a full on dance floor makeout sesh. Well played.
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
I'm so glad you support me having casual sex with your uncle
She's passed out laying in the middle of the street. Cars are honking at her and going around her body. We need to stop playing BONECRUSHER.
I mean obviously I like your dick... Jury is still out on you but your dick is good
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
now acid just makes me think of crab ragoon
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
Randomize
