Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
I've never seen a kid turn down a sure thing for a possible handy by a freshmen. You need to re-evaluate.
The horrors my penis has endured I wouldn't wish upon any man.
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
I've never had goosebumps on my dick before. It was definitely not a bad feeling.
Decided in my tanked state last night purchase 2 weeks worth of xanax, so I can guess my way thru this week and finals. Soberly, I decided it would be a great way to test my knowledge of finance.
Dan I was a mess I made out with a 40 yr old who gave me a wad of cash for Christmas. Like wtf
The cop actually kicked the bitches out of the cab so we could get ours. I flipped them all off as the door was shutting. That drunk.
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
Boobs have been pretty central in my life somehow lately which makes me question if I am truly gay
Her son walked in on us and asked if he could "wrestle too."
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
Randomize
