I think she heard me call her a fat skank. But she was to be fair.
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
Yeaaah. I'm kinda wary about that guy. Does he still have that taser that he found on the train?
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
I just thought about how many drinks I had last night and threw up.
No feeling is better than coming home from your booty call and putting on a fresh pair of granny panties
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
Have you ever given your heart and soul to someone and they turn out to be nothing but a great fuck that makes a mean grilled cheese because same
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
I woke up and there was a tiny sombrero on my penis. Care to explain?
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