You don't get off work for this? I feel genuinely bad for you.
I'll have a beer when I get into the office. Yes, I hide beer in my work frige.
There is a man walking 2 goats through the city.
Bonus: only one of them was on a leash.
Let's just say he looked at my vagina like it was a rubics cube.
I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
Be careful there's warming lubricant on the floor. I will clean and explain later.
you can't tell me it's over and send me pics of you and your cat?
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
I'm on the same pooping schedule as a professor I've never had. He now says what's up to me in the hallway
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
The hospital waiting room is starting to become a very familiar place to me.
Dude I just woke up naked on the floor with my dick in a boot. Legit in a fucking boot. I also have no idea where I am.
Randomize
