I'm peeing chunks and puking liquid. Did I at least have fun last night?
He doesn't make grammatical errors. Even while getting head.
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
side note. good thing you didn't come to drunk breakfast. we were judged by children.
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
also found a pic of my head in the microwave from the other night.. hmm
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
Well we were going to compare notes, but all I could remember was throwing up, and all she could remember was kissing, so then we decided to not compare anything.
u kept repeating to itself "hot cheetos and nacho cheese sauce.."
I met his parents. We played twister. My boob popped out.
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
Randomize
