My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
If i could bang her from 80ft away, I would
So drunk can't even tell it's my own house. WOaoOw.
Is it appropriate to get drunk, stand up at the wedding and make a toast to "the time the lovely bride asked me to come on her chest"?
our generation is not ready to get married
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
We glued Jenga blocks together, called it "magic blocks" and sold it to the stoners for $50 and a bottle of Henny
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
wait can you just like go into detail with this penis touching thing? like was it a hand job or was it like a day at the petting zoo or something
and it's like......my shirt is off and he's talking about quidditch. why.
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
Me too...I'm driving to work trying to figure out if I put my pants on the right way.
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
We were supposed fuck one time, but ended up fucking for 2 years.
You had a 45min conversation with the Ronald McDonald statue I have the video to prove it
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