Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
Apparently, there is a horrible ghonorrea out break at our school. Woo! What a way for Loyola to welcome us back.
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
Ski vacations are for hooking up with randoms. It's like I don't even know you
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
I chugged that bitch with a dip in.
You somehow managed to be a man whilst drinking a Mike's Hard. I commend you.
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
My penis has like 3 people bidding on it
he said he was going to fuck me like a rabbit in heat. What he should have said was faster then a train and over before a commercial
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
Dude... the time we have in life to be young and trivial is so incredibly short. I think we should drink tonight.
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
Randomize
