if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
i don't have parental supervision. i'm gonna start accepting candy from strangers now.
I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
Dude give me 4 good reasons we shouldn't trade girlfriends tonight
Don't know how I even got in. I pulled my id out and threw it at the bouncer, and he just picked it up, checked it, and let me in.
So not only did you shoot down my invitation and prob walked past my house but now ur excluding me from a wet t shirt contest which btw i totally would have won
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
i mean let's face it...the pregnant girl was really slowing us down.
its kind of scaring me that i am turned on by tom cruise in rock of ages
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
Randomize
