so...dinner was kid's cuisine and a bottle of wine. i think they go well together.
I wonder why dictionaries dont have indexes to help find the words easier.
you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
Ack! That is the first dick pic I've ever received. A) congrats B) that is way grosser than I ever thought t would be.
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
Also, what day were you thinkin we should trip balls at the children's museum?
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
Randomize
