Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
she's like bobby knight all she does is scream and point
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
You could be a whistle.. And just ask bitches if they want to blow you all night
me + whiskey = a bad person
Remember that whole "don't let me drink" thing? We should really start sticking to that.
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
is it bad that I see hot guys I wanna sleep with as challenges instead of actual people?
yes. but it works for you
Randomize