well yea, now i know i won't get hair in my teeth...
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
I'll call it a relationship when I stop masturbating after he goes to sleep
Fake an illness. Her and her friends are like the female version of guys who wear tapout shirts
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
That accounts for only three of the penises
Maybe the problem is guy has to ask his wife if he can go out to lunch with his girlfriend for an hour...
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
And I'm bringing my coffee cup of wine.
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
When Ben was deep throating pickles last night I actually reconsidered our relationship
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
Oh lord. I have no recollection. I just got up. Surveying the damage. Found phone with messages out by pool. Still have not located my top or determined when i stopped wearing it
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
It's bullshittery. It's asshattery. It's complete fuckery at its finest.
Randomize
