new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
I should have known there'd be issues when he included "beautiful soul" in our playlist
we had a 10 minute conversation with his family about how I don't let him eat me out. I want to go home
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
You climbed on top of the bar, shotgunned a 25oz fosters and screamed, Steve Irwin was a God amongst men.
My nose was gushing blood and he just kept screaming "she took it like a champ" to everyone there. Plus side though, bartender felt bad for me and gave me a free drink.
I was giving him a handjob in the woods and a family walked by
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
Did your grand seduction include learning to play careless whisper on a kazoo or was that just a hobby
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
Randomize