I just made out with a guy for $7.
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
There is a keg full of gin. THERE SHOULD NEVER EVER BE A KEG FULL OF GIN.
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
there's a guy pushing a keg up the street in a shopping cart. you have to love graduation
They sat me on college avenue with a puke bucket and people were mistakenly throwing change in it. Got me enough money take a cab back to my apartment.
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
His crazy is a thing to be cherished
I just sat watching friends in the bathtub by candlelight...nights like this make me wonder if I ever want to be in a relationship again
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
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