His vagina is bleeding blood all over the court
so after all day drinking, we went to an all u can eat crab place and i was going from table to table surveying the crowd if they though the crab i was carrying around looked like the flying dog from never ending story...what the hell is wrong with me?
Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
Pretty sure encouraging you to sleep with 2 different girls while keeping you in the good graces of both has lost me the ability to call myself a woman. But that's just the kind of friend I am; dedicated.
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
Sincerely. Thanks. You could have thought of anyone sitting on your face but you chose me. :)
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
Randomize