Sadly no. But I was pantsless when they came to get me. Which made me miss you...
there's a wrestler here in a Ferrari//puma hoodie who is telling girls his win//loss record as a pickup line.
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
She made a list of the things each of us had done wrong and assigned a point system. Guess who came out the loser?
My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me.
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
Don't bang him. The amount of Jack Johnson he listens to is embarrassing for even a white person.
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
Everyone loves nachos, first of all. Second, Ke$ha is entirely appropriate for the age grou too young to realize she probably has Hep C.
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
You know your horny when you have a sex dream about Ace Ventura, if your wondering he's awful
He shit with the door open. I think that means we are in a realtionship.
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
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