just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
I totally understand Scottish logic. No underwear+skirt=great
This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
I thought all girls wanted is to get a boner
you want to re-phrase that?
I'm so bored, I can only pretend that this truck is a spaceship for so long.
i think i got so emotional from a mix of getting my period and slapping the bag like five times
Made a visit to my old puking stall. I missed it.
I just don't understand how a line to ride a camel on a college campus could be too long for you to wait in.
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
Is it bad that I recognize every dick in your dic pic collection?
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
Also this guy in my contact as hairy jerry sent me a pic of him shirtless and said I miss you and I have no idea who he is /when or if I met him but that's not normal?!
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
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