Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
I just did my online traffic school at the bar. No biggie.
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
I'm okay.. I had a good heart to heart with the cab driver Raheem - it's going to be our year.
Chelsea passed out in the kiddie pool. Just added around 28 boxes of jello powder. Will let you know how it works out
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
I'm starting to think my emotional health is declining because I was watching transformers today and legit almost started crying
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
he sent me a picture of him holding out his pinky so we could pinky promise. i have to fuck him now
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
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