You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
The drag queen we did coke with is going to be on Ru Paul's drag race. I feel so proud.
I bet Billy Ray Cyrus wishes he had pulled out now....
I need to find parents that want to take care of a grown adult. I'm sure there's a website out there for that. Like a sugar daddy but sugar parents.
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
I said "one day" and that day is not today
I am the oldest one here and I STILL feel like I need an adult. help.
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
I'm seeing how far I can grow my leg hair out before Jason will say anything. I'm up to an inch
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
drunk boyfriend and drunk me are NOT meant for each other
Randomize
