I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
Well i just wrestled a cop... p.s. i won
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
oh hey just found a glowstick in my tits. fuck yes new years eve
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
i don't know what part of 'duct tape bikini waxes' seemed even a little okay in our drunk minds, but i'm never drinking with your sister again
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
He drank his beer out of his own shoe. Its his "party trick"
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
First sex of the summer I'm winning 1-0
GET HOME NOW
Oh shit
Of course I fucked her, her man stole my bike when we were kids
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
Randomize
