I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
he was sobbing,drinking his beer, all while confessing his love for her. awkward was an understatement...
he has been on a 2 week bender, has been homeless for a week and a half, and leaves for madagascar in 2 days. Do we worry or is that normal?
Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate.
Hint of advice dont get with minor league baseball players, you can google their stats but not their stds.
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
Also I would love to pregame at your place if I weren't stuck at mine drinking laxatives
I woke up in your kitchen with my ID in my hand and my nails were painted electric blue. Dude.... never let me have fireball again.
Blame the bisexuality and move on?
Something in me snapped and now I’m just googling famous vegans.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
