who do you think you are?
someone who doesn't ask that question
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
shes on the floor puking and texting simultaneously.
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
Nope. He totaled my car then moved back to Louisiana to work things out with baby mama. I sure know how to pick em
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
I also just told a guy I was available for counseling in case he needed to 'bang' things out. I've become a monster.
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
This is me trying to take a picture to send to grandma. At 4. We were trying to look sober.
just called AAA to get my keys out of me car and then afterwards realized they were in my pocket...stoner life
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
Randomize
