if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
They walked in to the store, ripped up the phone book, and left. Can we get on their level?
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
Sorry we're taking so long, this weed cake tastes amazing with Tabasco sauce on it.
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
He's minimum effort, but maximum fuck.
After hearing her fall down in the shower for the third time, I decided to go check on her.
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
That happens a lot to the people around me. It's like I'm radioactive but instead of cancer, you get desensitized to the word cunt
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
I am googling "notable people who had syphilis"
Randomize
